Jupiter Ascending

[sapote]

was delightful. Delightfully bad. SO STUPID. So stupid I'm actually going to need a cut, because if it had been edited down by about two thirds - any two thirds, at random - I would be trying to convince people to make it a fandom.


1) Mila Kunis has magical bee powers! Mila Kunis is the reincarnation of the matriarch of an interstellar house of business that dissolves people to make immortality juice! Mila Kunis runs and jumps and gets swept up in Channing Tathum's arms a lot. MILA KUNIS IS VERY EXCITED ABOUT CHANNING TATHUM'S DOG GENES.

2) Channing Tathum's shirt went somewhere. He has hover rollerblades.

3) Two out of three of Mila Kunis's pre-incarnation's children basically try to seduce her. They try to seduce their mom's clone. One of them is a woman, and her major contribution to the film is via butt double getting out of a bath.

4) The third of Mila Kunis's pre-incarnation's children is Eddie Redmayne LARPing someone's Loki badfic and crying a lot. At one point Mila Kunis hits him with some rebar.

5) ZOOM A SPACESHIP BUT IT IS TOO CLOSE TO THE CAMERA TO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING. HOPE YOU LIKE RED FLASHES OF LIGHT BECAUSE THAT IS BASICALLY ALL YOU'RE GETTING FOR A THIRD OF THE MOVIE.

6) There are some random bounty hunters and one of them sparkles in the sunlight and the other has flower tattoos on her face.

7) Oh also that lady from Orphan Black is in it. Jeez, she is pretty.

The end.

Comments

[giandujakiss]

I agree with everything you've said here but our judgments on the value of it are very different.

[sapote]

I suspect that if I hadn't gotten my heart set on someone out there writing Jupiter/Kalique where they both have personalities I would have lost patience a lot earlier, though.

[rydra_wong]

if it had been edited down by about two thirds - any two thirds, at random - I would be trying to convince people to make it a fandom.

It does sound like the kind of raw material out of which fandom makes genius.

[sapote]

Since I assume you are fine with spoilers - at the end, not only does Channing Tathum have, uh, dog genes, he also gets giant feathery wings. If the writing was a third less awful, I would assume that fandom would have taken the ball and run with it.

Also halfway through there's a random homage to Brazil? It was a really strange movie.

[rydra_wong]

... I have just seen a comment on Tumblr which appears to indicate that Sean Bean is a were-bee.

[cathexys]

Thanks for linking me here. I may wait for it after all, though. Given that I watch like one film a year at the movies... :)

[sapote]

This would not be the one I'd spend it on, if you only get one. Movies are a pretty common house-leaving thing for me and I felt like it packed a good value in ludricrousness and sparklesinto two hours.

[cathexys]

Exactly. That's what it sounds like. Younger son saw it yesterday and had pretty much the same reaction. Pretty but not deeply engaging :)

I think I'll save mine for Age of Ultron :) and both boys will need to go see it with me--even though they're much too cool for mainstream action flics :)

[kore]

Eddie Redmayne LARPing someone's Loki badfic and crying a lot.

How much Eddie Redmayne is in the movie? Is it a lot? That was the one thing in the trailer that looked like a real dealbreaker for me.

[sapote]

It's a lot, and/but he has a really really unattractive e haircut/makeup job and speaks in a weird whistly villain voice the whole time.

[kore]

AUGH. He sounds like a Lokified Jar Jar Binks.

[sapote]

It really is him playing Loki as written by someone who is not fond of Loki. It's SO WEIRD.